As I continue a constant journey of self-reflection and improvement I sat down to write this post. As many of you know the past few years have been extremely difficult for my family. I say that because the events have truly had an effect on every single person in the family. For some outsiders, I have heard people say, “you guys seemed so happy…” or “you’re the perfect family.” No one is without fault. Looking back, I would have handled so many of the situations differently knowing what I know now, knowing the outcome of my own actions, and knowing the hurt and pain everything would bring. Hindsight is always 20/20. Well I don’t think that is always true. Hindsight with GLASSES is always true. The glasses, metaphorically, represent our lens/perspective as we have grown and gained new skills from the experience. It’s all part of self-reflection.
After everything came to be, I thought I had hit rock bottom. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me. It was a very dark and lonely time. It was hard physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was in denial. This couldn’t and wouldn’t happy to me and my family. We had overcome so many obstacles to be where we were at that point, how could this happen? I was in straight up denial. So I followed the pathway that most humans do…we play the “Blame Game.” I looked for people and evidence to explain what was happening. I justified it as truth finding. Sadly, all of that only lead to more hurt and pain. There aren’t words to describe the pain and hurt that my own actions caused. So to those of you who I involved or hurt with my actions, I sincerely apologize. I had no right to cause hurt and pain.
I now know taking accountability isn’t just owing up to my own mistakes. Rather, accountability is ending denial of the down to basic honest truth about my own life and myself. I have always thought of myself as high-stress. I had my blood pressure taken recently and it was 168/130. I looked at the medical assistant and said, “not bad” in a half-joking manner. She stood there just shocked. I create my own stress much of the time because I feel like the urgency of stress helps maintain focus and motivation to get things done. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I totally thought “self-love” was taking bubble baths (which I am opposed to) or getting massages, or something…but it is not. I finally realize that loving myself is no longer allowing remain unhappy.
“The greatest act of self-love is to no longer accept a life you are unhappy with. It is to be able to state the problem plainly and in a straightforward manner.” -Brianna Wiest
All of my children are in weekly counseling. I have been in counseling for a few years now and finally was able to scale back a bit…progress I know. In a recent session the counselor had my kids write down all the “bad” things that had happened in the last year. It was interesting to see how deep and even shallow some of the responses were. I decided to do the same thing. After identifying the bad, I could dig a bit deeper to find the root cause of the issue and what was truly making me unhappy. So much of it was stressing and worrying about things beyond my control. At this point, when the truth is finally known, there are only 2 options:
- Make peace with it. That is to think and believed nothing will or can change with it so why continue to dwell on it.
- Make a change. Decide that you never want to feel that way again. When this happened to me, it spurred a lasting change. I couldn’t sit and mull over what went wrong, who was at fault, or how I was wronged, but rather to set on a journey of self-development to radically change who I am so I never have to feel that way again.
I knew I needed to be a better me so I could be a better father to my 3 children. I needed to be healthy to be a better co-parent with the children’s mother.
So for the past few years, this journey of self-development has been successful because of many reasons but one of the biggest has been the support. My family has been beyond supportive. Granted, we all help how we can, so offering technical support to my 81 year old father has been…an experience. I don’t know how scammers do it…I would get so frustrated with potential targets. I can see myself yelling at the monitor…. “NO! Press on the menu…” I have also found amazing friendships in the least likely places. I have people I can turn to at a moments notice for support even if it’s just to be told to pull my head out of my butt and breathe. I have good people all around me. We are all going through different things yet those amazing people, and you know who you are, have supported me and my family through all of this. I am eternally grateful and thankful for all of you. Yes, I am here because of my children, but there were times that I remain here because of you.
Moving forward, I want to continue to learn and grow. I love seeing growth in my children in their emotional regulation and grounding skills. It is amazing to see one of your kids get all worked up and then take an exasperated deep breath and see their hand go up to their heart. I never thought that hippie self-regulation was worth much…until I decided to give it a real shot.
This journey is far from being over. Instead of fearing tomorrow, I look forward to each day. It’s another day to learn something new…to try something else…and to see more growth with my children and myself. Again, I am sorry for the hurt and suffering I may have caused many of you but I want to say in the same sentence, thank you. Thank you for helping me grow as a person.
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